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Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dont Stay in a Broken Marriage "For the Children"

If you are clear that you are miserable in your relationship, don't procrastinate on getting a divorce "for the sake of the children." While some experts would argue that having one parent move out of the home increases the stress on young children, consider the likelihood that the benefit of no longer seeing Mommy and Daddy fighting far outweighs any negative effects.

The premise for the remainder of this article is that you have already explored all avenues for rebuilding an empowering relationship with your spouse - you have talked, you have had counseling, you have contemplated your future.

Having determined that a happy relationship is no longer possible, you are considering remaining in your unhappy marriage "for the sake of the children." Don't do it. Here's why:

1. While growing up with two happy parents who love each other is probably the ideal nurturing environment for children, living with one happy parent is far better than living with two people who are unhappy and hate each other.

2. However noble your intentions, you are not going to be able to fake happiness for long. Your children will recognize your unhappiness almost at once, and that will cause them great suffering.

3. While you and your spouse may make an agreement never to argue or treat each other badly in front of the children, you will not be able to keep such an agreement. You will exchange icy stares, unkind words, and sarcasm - if not worse - in spite of your resolve and idealism.

4. Your own well-being does matter, don't discount the importance of your own happiness. Martyrdom is highly over-rated. There is no special place in heaven for those who suffer for no good reason. Don't let guilt - which is also highly over-rated - cause you to make a decision that will certainly cause misery for both yourself and your children.

5. It is your decision - and you are responsible only to yourself in making this decision. Don't be bullied by your partner, parents, relatives, friends, or church. They may have some so-called "moral" position, but the only important factors to consider in making this decision are your children's well-being and your own.

5 comments:

  1. Wow, Jonathan, that's a very liberal statement. I agree 100% that bad relationships negatively affect children's perception of the world and their subsequent position towards it. Thus, indeed people should consider separating for the sake of the children rather then staying together to continue the commisaration. The seeds of negativizm that unhealthy relation plants in the hearts of the young are often hard to recover, as they sit deeply inbeded in the rocks of their souls. Once should consider all positions, but like you say: you and only you are responsible for a better world. Thank you for your refreshing point of view. Staying together for the sake of convension is not the right reason if there is a better choice to make. The right thing to do is to achive the most goodness with the least amount harm, and if that means loving yourself first, such love surely will spill around?! Jolanta Budziak

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jolanta,

    Thank you for your highly articulate and compassionate comment. The world would be a better place if everyone could have such an open-mind and open heart.

    Light and Joy...
    Jonathan

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree with the soul statement When it is your child's soul you are protecting being good and full of courage is difficult indeed. Most goodness with the least amount of harm. Love myself enough to stay? Love myself to know it is a choice that I make without duress only with good intention.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just a bit curious, would that result also in somewhat children tend to look for a sense of belongingness? if there are two families, sometimes the don't know where they belong...correct me on this...thanks...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think that a sense of belonging is a feeling of welcoming love, each parent whether together or not that love their children and themselves have a far easier time showing their love when their soul, spirit and mind is intact.

    ReplyDelete

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