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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

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Stop Anger Before It Stops You - 7 Secrets - jonathan lockwood huie


Stop Anger Before It Stops You - 7 Secrets
- jonathan lockwood huie

Being angry is as close as a human being can come to experiencing hell on earth.
- jonathan lockwood huie

Anger is something that each one of us has experienced - some of us only occasionally, some almost daily. Can we eliminate all anger? Probably not. We will always have expectations, and those expectations will often be unmet. Disappointment is the principle cause of anger. When we are disappointed, we look for someone to blame. Declaring someone to be at fault is the nature of anger. Anger is always directed at someone - possibly God or the non-specific they, but some animate entity.

You've told yourself a hundred times that you aren't going to get angry - really angry - ever again, but wham, you start to feel that telltale heat, locked shoulders, clenched jaw, shallow breathing. Someone has just done something really awful and you are angry at them. What now?

Here are my 7 Secrets to Stop Anger before It Stops You:

1. Recognize when you are angry: It may not immediately occur to you that you are angry. You know that you have been wronged, and you can see everyone around you take a step back, but especially if you are really angry, it may take a while to gain the clarity to acknowledge your anger. Anger clouds perception and thinking, so make a special effort to spot it early and put it into words, "I am angry."

2. Breathe deeply: Concentrate on taking slow deep breaths. Sometimes this is all it takes to break out of anger and gain clarity on the issue. At other times, breathing deeply is just a beginning, but it paves the way for the rest of the secrets.

3. Focus your anger: Get clear what you are angry about and who you are angry at. Talk to yourself, "I am angry at Joe because he ..." Don't let your anger expand onto innocent bystanders, especially those trying to help calm you down. Don't refocus your anger onto everything that Joe has ever done or failed to do.

4. Remember that you are in charge: Anger is an expression of frustration and helplessness. Remember that you always have options - you can design your own life. No one can steal your happiness - unless you let them.

5. Look for the silver lining: There is a silver lining to every disappointment. Your boss fired you and you are furious. Probably it was a blessing. Now you have the opportunity to get a better job that you really enjoy.

6. Consider forgiveness: Angry and happy don't mix. Flush out the angry, and the happy has a place to put down roots. Forgive everyone for everything in order to give anger and resentment a chance to fade. Forgive and you can become happy. Forgiving is not a gift to someone else - Forgiving is our gift to ourselves - a great gift - the gift of happiness.

7. Accept that Life is NOT "Supposed to be Fair": Know that there is no single way that life is "supposed" to be. Demanding that life meet our expectations is a sure fire recipe for a miserable existence. Life is a game with no rules. Life just happens to us regardless of our best intentions. To choose happiness, be open to receiving whatever life throws at you - with Gratitude. Have NO Expectations of life.

21 comments:

Nora Curtis said...

Anger is more common when we have the wrong belief that we are in the right and everybody else with a different idea is our enemy...I have seen anger attacks totally out of control about a color difference...Of course, this was not the real reason, but continuing the exercise of using power and control over other human being.If this is the hidden motif: to feel in control, then the angry person will not, by his own will, act rationally. He will want to continue imposing his will by having a temper tantrum...rationality or not! We need to recommend new approaches to stop anger as a means of intimidation of the weaker party.
www.recoverfromanger.com

Anonymous said...

When I am tired, hurt, or loney it is VERY easy to feel anger and to "feed" that feeling. It is hard (but not impossible) to control ones' anger. When I am tired and drained (physically and emotionally) I can easily bite off someone's head for the slightest thing. I must remember that I am in control of my emotions although I don't always feel as though I have control. One of my favorite sayings: Whenever someone points a finger at another there are 3 fingers pointing back at you....." (try it, if you point a finger as if you are pretending your hand is a gun... you will see what i mean) pass it on... This saying is a POWERFUL reminder to me that I must look at myself first before pointing fingers at others around me....

Anonymous said...

After my anger is over, I often feel ashamed that I got angry. And the shame will last a day, or until I see that person again, who I was angry with. I don't like to get angry. I think I build up my own anger. Cause I will dwell on what is going on to make me angry, and I get angry, and sometimes pull someone else in with me. I don't sleep well when I have gotten angry. I pray not to get angry, and if I do, let it be a rightous anger.

Anonymous said...

Anger sometimes requires one to get alone, and think to defuse the anger. I literally took myself out of a situation, didn't answer my phone to the individual, didn't answer my door, all of this to give time and space to think from a quieter place. During this time I took baby steps in letting go of the anger, and feeling the joy of being in control of my emotions in a healthier way..I used this time to let go of the anger...choosing joy..

Jonathan Lockwood Huie said...

Anonymous...get alone: Great point, thank you.

Anonymous said...

This is a little different path to travel away from "anger": There used to be a saying for women who are angry with their husbands.
"WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY, GO OUT AND BUY A HAT."
And you know what? It works!! Oh you don't have to buy a hat. But you can buy something for $2.00, such as a tiny candy piece, and it works, also. Just a thought. Seesee
P.s. Johnathan, I still like your ways better, though. :-)

BK said...

Simple and yet enlightening post. I certainly like the fact that we are in charge. Anger is such a negative emotion that strained us of our energy. Either we are back in control of ourselves or everything can get out of hand. I have always remembered and tried to use the breathing to control myself when I am angry and it works quite well at time although I may not always be successful in using it. Practice makes better and one day I can be totally in charge of it and not the other way round.

Lia said...

When I get angry, I like to take a moment to think about why I'm angry, who I'm angry at, but *most* importantly, What do I want to do with this situation? WHAT DO I WANT TO SEE HAPPEN? And then I try to focus on getting to the outcome. It doesn't always work (ie. when I am *furious*), but it does help give some direction to my anger.

Anonymous said...

Thank you JLK...I have been angry for way too long. I have real reasons to feel this way, but I like the practical ways you propose to transform this feeling into something else: acceptance (a boundary, I just remembered), action, practice in being a compassionate, humble person. I REALLY needed this advice today. Just in time to change course!

Anonymous said...

i have resentment on some one hats already dead and need advice on how to let go cause im taking it out on people i love and one who i would do anything 4 and its hurting her and i very much plz i need some good advice i need to let this go now im desperate please help

Jonathan L. Huie said...

Forgiveness is for yourself - so you can let go of the anger and hatred.

See http://www.mind4joy.com/2011/04/how-to-forgive-and-move-on.html

Anonymous said...

My son is so angry and I know that he needs to talk to someone. Iam so afraid for him

Anonymous said...

Its easy to say that accept what life throws at you but how to really do this? When you take a task at hand it is with an expectation that you will come out with flying colors and of course you will terrible when things don't go your way. You had put in efforts so that things could go your way, you can extract from life what you want. Otherwise why would anyone put any efforts?

Mennal said...

Life is so unfair........still i love it the way it is......... ;)................stay blessed everybody

Anonymous said...

Thank you, i realy love all your qoutes,its open our hearts and to learn and understand what life needs to be accept day by day.

Ivan said...

Great post on anger,this have been my biggest problem for some time,and the reason,there can be many "triggers" and what works for me best is to try to get out as soon as possible for a short walk and be just by myself,where I can reflect and THINK,where did I "fail",and in most of the cases I find out that I have overreacted on something that really did not have nothing to do with me,the wisdom is to try to keep calm and LISTEN more to other person,so you really understand what they are trying to communicate to you,be more patient and LISTEN to the other person and pay ATTENTION what they are saying and you will give them the best gift anyone can give them,you show them that you CARE!Ivan
www.homebiztruths.info

Anonymous said...

All feelings including anger is a need for forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself. If angered at someone forgive them ASAP with real honesty and forgive yourself for letting that person have that control to cause feelings in you that are not joyful. No one has the power or authority to make you feel anything but happy. Forgive yourself for being angry for life is too short to be anything but happy. Don't lose out on seeing the sky being blue or hear the laughter of children because of being angry. This a lesson I need to take to heart myself. I'm angry at someone and I need to let it go. Jesus said be slow to anger. He knew how being angry is unhealthy for our bodies and emotional feelings. Not good at all. Thank you for the seven steps. I will take them to ♥

Anonymous said...

How do you let go of anger of your significant other who physically abused your child? and also protect your child from the abuser?

Jonathan Huie said...

Responding to "How do you let go of anger ... and also protect your child from the abuser?"...
1. Get yourself and your children far away from harms way.
2. After you have gotten yourself safely away from danger, you can begin let go of your anger. Understand that your "significant other" is likely mentally ill, and may have also suffered abuse as a child. Appreciate that you are finally free. Take a deep breath. Light a candle. Let some of the anger go up with the smoke from the candle. Repeat releasing the anger every day.

Anonymous said...

Jonathan - your words of wisdom are such a great source of support for others (and myself) when life throws those 'curveballs' in our path. Whether that's emotional upsets in our work, professional or personal life, reading your daily inspirations always puts things into perspective - and what we are experiencing is not so 'unique' and there others who have been through the same experiences. Allowing the passing of time also helps to soften the blow of the things that cause us to feel negative, and the key really is staying positive mentally in order to manifest better things in our life. Thank you for your time and energy every day.

Anonymous said...

I have always been slow to anger. I can be extremely patient, and I will always patiently explain my position regarding what I do and don't like. Plus, I think for many years, I believed anger was bad and I felt soooo guilty about feelings of anger that I just tried to swallow my anger quickly and move on. Many people I believe took that as a weakness and take advantage. But I am no doormat and I will get angry not very often but I do hit my limit. Funny thing is that when I do get angry people are usually shocked and scared I believe. I don't do anything scary but I do something out of the ordinary; I get angry and yell. Maybe my face is scary because they usually look SHOCKED! They are usually so shocked they stop and open their mouth and stare mouth working like a goldfish gasping for air, like they have never seen such a thing before in their lives; me yelling. And that has happened with different individuals that I have gotten angry with. And then they close their mouths and a concerned expression start to cross their face and then the questions starts. Is something wrong? Are you o.k. This is not like you? And then I think to myself. This is not like me. Am I not human. Geez really. I am not suppose to get angry or run out of patience. Like never. Everyone else can get angry but I cannot? I guess they were beginning to think that I was a robot. :-) As I get older I realize that swallowing anger is not good for you. Anger is not a bad thing. It is ok to get angry. You are human. You will get angry. It is ok to feel anger. Don't feel guilt when you get angry; acknowledge it and be kind to yourself. What matters and is most important is how you deal with anger? Acknowledge your anger, get away from the situation that is making you angry, run if you have to.LOL Go someplace you like or do something that makes you happy and then after you decompress take a look at what is making you angry and where that anger is coming from. Get help if you have to and go and talk to someone, and then work at being strong, positive and healthy so that you can wisely pick great people to be part of your inner circle and so that you not only infuse yourself with love and positivity, but those around you as well.

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